iceshowers's Xanga

Monday, May 05, 2008

Mon, 05 May 2008 03:08:01 GMT

I'll endure sleepless nights, as long as you're happy.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Mon, 25 Feb 2008 06:21:04 GMT

Hmm, I forgot what it felt like to write here again. I kind of wished I could write every so often like I used to do… took a lot of things off my mind, and I need that now more then ever. Feels like I’m all alone; well, I kind of am, but now its not only physically… but mentally and emotionally as well. Nothing feels real anymore, I swear I can’t tell when days start and end.

I wish I could disappear forever. I’m tired of my life, and I’d kill to just start over… with different everything. Like a second chance, but without me killing myself and being resurrected. I’m sure we all felt like that once in our lifetime, but mine is totally real. It’s like; either I find something or my ticking time clock will blow up.

So, work has been the same. What I hate the most is how everyone talks about each other behind their backs, but are the first one saying “I wouldn’t talk about you like that, if I had a problem with you, I’d come to you first.” Why are people so fickle? Like, seriously. I’m told a lot about what so-and-so doesn’t like how Jane Doe doesn’t do this and that and blahblah, and the other times I’m just there doing something while they’re talking about who-knows-who. I feel like monkey in the middle, really. I’m friendly with all my co-workers. I guess because of that, they find me to be a person who can hold a secret – which I can… very well. So I get a lot of “this person is ……” and sometimes I hate listening to it because I feel ashamed, knowing that I spend time with that person, and I don’t know why would they be brought up in a bad way – maybe it’s ‘cuz I’m so gullible too. But also, I wonder if I’m being spoken about behind my back as well, and if I am, I’d love to hear it!

So, I tend to screw everything up. I don’t know what I want really. It’s like… I want something different, but at the same time, I want it to stay the same. And I know I can’t have both, but why can’t choices be easier to choose instead of making me go insane!!

I think I’m done… + lappy is running out of battery

Hello world, why are you so cruel?

Wed, 16 Jan 2008 05:16:55 GMT

It’s been a long ass time since I ever stopped by my own ‘online journal’. So many things have happened, but to me, they feel all like just one huge thing. I think I last left off in Thanksgiving. Mine went ridiculously boring. I told my mom and family I would be visiting someone for Thanksgiving dinner. So they went ahead and made their own plans; and I don’t blame them, since I was “set” on my plans. Well, 1 week-ish before Thanksgiving, something went wrong and it turned out I wasn’t going to be visiting that someone. Of course it was a bit late to change my mind to my family, so I didn’t mention it to them. I spent that night by myself.

Then it came to Christmas. And I thought things were getting better, but as I feared, it turned to the worse. At this point, I was far too depressed and sad that I didn’t want to be around people at all. So, I spent it alone… again.

And New Years… I’m pretty sure you can guess how I spent that as well. Alone. Not only did I work on that day, and the next day, but I have no hope in the New Year.

I did get my first driving ticket. I know I always speed, but why that day when I needed to get somewhere fast? Work has been so tiring. Doesn’t give me time to relax and take all the stress and pressure off my body and mind. And it seems that the pay that I get from all that hard work gets spent before the next paycheck…

So, I bought myself a hamster. Well… to be fully honest, I went home with 2 different ones. The first one was female. I was told they are nicer, and since she was the only one left, I took her home. It turned out she was some psycho hammy that wouldn’t let me touch her or she’d give you ‘THE EYE’. So… the following week I took her back and bought a male baby hamster. It was so nice and cuddly in the pet store, so I’m like “yup, that’s mine!” I took it home, made it comfy in his cage, and when I tried sticking my hand in the cage, he’d make weird ‘territorial’ screams and gestures. I took my hand out so fast, I think I knocked down a few things along the way. It seriously left me in shock for a good few minutes. So I went back to the pet store to ask why the hell he’s making weird noises, and they don’t even know! But the guy who attended me told me I could trade him in for ‘friendlier’ hamsters once they get new ones in. so I think I might just do that! But, speaking of pet store, I saw this handsome guy there. He works there… and as long as my hamster is acting weird, I might just visit the store every couple of days.

Speaking of handsome guys. I saw another one come into my job a couple of times… DAMN… he looks good.

Thanksgiving? Here's mine

Sun, 25 Nov 2007 06:34:33 GMT

THANKS

Really, thanks a lot.

THANKS

For making me realize that my compassion was a waste of time. I shouldn’t have tried helping you or tried to change you FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. My time was not only ‘unimportant’ but a waste of both our times. I’m sorry.

But THANKS

For teaching me people don’t change. And that the ones that are evil and cold hearted should ALL BE BLOWN UP. How about that for ‘MY OWN LITTLE WORLD’?

Guess it was

SELFISH

Of me to think about helping you.

DON’T WORRY. It won’t happen again. And I GIVE ANYONE CREDIT if they try harder then me.

But once again…

THANKS

For wasting my time as well.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Thu, 15 Nov 2007 02:03:42 GMT

I seriously meant to write this entry 2-3 weeks ago, but by the time I get home from work, I’m so tired that nothing but my bed matters. Work is such a drag.

There’s this particular customer that comes in and stays for 4-6hours just walking around. No joke. And generally I wouldn’t care about that if he didn’t look and acted really creepy. He reminded me of the time I was caught in the middle of a Pedophile’s world. Before I go on, no I wasn’t molested or touched or anything like that. Well anyways, back in 4^th grade, I would walk to the library and stay there until my mom came to pick me up after work. I soon noticed this medium toned man with black beard and mustache walk through bookshelves near me. I wouldn’t mind, since not only was I young, but it was a library; and for all I knew, he could be stuck on which book he wanted. But one day, I would hear grunting and moaning from him 2 bookshelves behind me. And I can’t remember how long this “masturbating-behind-bookshelves-near-Yoly” happened, but I know it was a couple of times. Once I saw his penis through some books, and I finally told my mom and stepfather. They called the library, and it turns out he was a well-known Pedophile that had a bad record. He was sent to jail after they caught him… again. Like I was saying at the beginning, this weird customer at work started touching himself, and it just brought me back to bad memories.

And my birthday was this Tuesday (the 13^th). Like every birthday I’ve had, this one didn’t matter. Best thing that happened that day: I worked and will get paid… woot. Worst thing: lost another one; but its all good.

That’s all I can care to write about. Plus, I’m tired and I’m watching my TV shows. Haha. Anyways, I might write more tomorrow since I’m free… nish.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

Thu, 18 Oct 2007 02:47:50 GMT

I hate feeling like an emotional rollercoaster. I want (for once) something to be stable in my life, to let me know that it won’t change, despite the ever changing cycle in life. I want to be able to feel special to someone without me doubting whenever some little thing happens. Actually, I want to be able not to see little things happen that makes me doubt, which is totally impossible because people can’t be fully trusted or expected of. I’m probably sounding immature – like a bunch of other people think so – but I just don’t want to feel like crap anymore.

I try to do things for others, even though I am rather worthless, but when I do things it’s not always for me. What bugs me is that the more you give, the more they want. And it gets to a point where it’s “give me, give me” and when you ask for something you are called mean and selfish. It’s quite stupid.

I’m really just feeling so down lately. And there is no one that cares enough to make me feel a bit brighter. Sounds like a job I have to do alone… again.

:]

Wed, 10 Oct 2007 03:30:44 GMT

So, I’m late again to update, but I don’t care.

I rarely dream, and when I do, I swear they feel so real. Of course, I would never want any of my dreams to come true because I think I’ve only had one dream that was worth not waking up to. The rest were full of scary situations. Not like I would want to run away from vampires, and dodge bullets from an Army, or get over run by large insects or even cut pigs in half in real life. But I had a dream that I was talking to this one person about our situation and it felt so real; and in the dream there wasn’t any animosity like we have now. The thing why I hate my dreams is because I can actually feel, think and smell. And when I wake up, it keeps me begging for more, and as much as I try to go back to sleep to keep dreaming, it never happens.

Lately, despite the depressing house I currently live in, I’m happy I have a future to look forward to. And not just the future by myself, but with an amazing guy… someone that not only understands me more then anyone else, but shows so much compromise. It’s fun though, learning how to open again. The beauty in letting someone know how crazy you are inside is truly amazing. I ALWAYS fear that if I let people know ME, they will label me as crazy, weird or a psycho, and that’s something that discouraged me into ever showing any real emotions. But now, I feel I can talk about anything and not be seen as some crazy girl that needs medication. I always felt lonely in my life even though I had friends, boyfriends and even family behind me; because I couldn’t tell them how I felt or even was thinking. People now are quick to judge, making it hard for a lot to even let them show their true selves. I’m a happy Yoly. And whoever said “do not look for happiness in someone else” is TRULY wrong.

My pet peeve: dead animals on the road. I get so sad and even nauseous when I’m driving and I see a dead animal up ahead. OMG, I seriously cannot see road kill, and I panic when I see a live animal cross the road in fear that I will kill it.

Love is like magic
And it always will be.
For love still remains
Life's sweet mystery!!
Love works in ways
That are wondrous and strange
And there's nothing in life
That love cannot change!!
Love can transform
The most commonplace
Into beauty and splendor
And sweetness and grace.
Love is unselfish,
Understanding and kind,
For it sees with its heart
And not with its mind!!
Love is the answer
That everyone seeks...
Love is the language,
That every heart speaks.
Love can't be bought,
It is priceless and free,
Love, like pure magic,
Is life's sweet mystery!!

((Helen Steiner Rice))

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Wed, 26 Sep 2007 16:00:12 GMT

I know this may sound weird, but I just realized how hygiene is very very crucial. I have been on a Grey’s Anatomy (season 1-3) marathon and just watching a lot of human insides and patients in beds got me thinking. For the record, my hygiene level is in good shape. While watching Grey’s Anatomy, I saw how some patients had to be in bed rest for days, even weeks, and just thinking of how smelly they get from poor cleaning. And one of the Nurse’s job is to bathe them (not sure how often) and to change bed sheets and even help those urine/poop that cant themselves. And now that I look back to it, I have been in that hospital bed, resting for 3 days and very disgusted at how I looked… and even smelled.

I felt so bad the day I was sent to the hospital, not knowing I would be staying for a couple of days. I was going to take a long shower and wash my hair and shave my legs that night to be all sparkly next day, but a certain twist had to happen. And at one point, I was so embarrassed that my legs were prickly with baby hair and I was wearing a “turtle’s collector” shirt and valentines man boxer when I was rushed to the emergency room. But at least I was carried by this HAWT nurse/doctor guy who smelled so freaking good that I just laid my head on his chest and closed my eyes. Then I was in a bed and surrounded by medical people who spoke and moved and I just stayed still. And I bet all of them looked at my embarrassing legs and boxers. By the next day, my hair was so bunched up and a mess that I wasn’t sure how I would comb it out when I get back home. I was in the same room and bed for 3 days (minus the time where I was sent to the operating room and the times I got up myself to go to the potty) and I didn’t care about the pain at all but about how nasty I looked. It wasn’t even about how people looked at me or how I physically looked, but how dirty I was. At first, nurses came in to help me go potty on a freaking bed pan, and I just blew. I’m sorry, but nobody, not even my mother, gets the privilege (or the disadvantage) to expose me. So I did them all myself despite the broken leg. It wasn’t easy, especially when you have to prop yourself up with one arm and do your business with the pan with the other, while having a very heavy cast weighing you down. I remember opening up my eyes to an operating room and a nurse cleaning the station and I had to go pee badly. I was still drugged because I was so dizzy and I could barely move and I was in so much pain and I was extremely weak. I tell the nurse I had to pee and as she was pulling up my medical dress thing, I stopped her and told her I’ll do it. Let me remind those that haven’t gone through that experience that they make you go butt naked to surgery only with a dress that is fully open on the back. I lifted myself with the pain and the weakness in my body and as I was putting the bed pan underneath me, I seriously staggered and was seconds away from falling on the hard floor face first (with a big help from the heavy cast still on the leg). I guess it’s a good thing that I caught myself before I fell, but then again, I bet it would have been more fun to stay at a hospital with unlimited TV and food for longer.

My accident may have been minimal to those who have bigger problems and hospitalized for way longer, but it was a worthwhile experience. Hygiene is very important, and make sure to take care of yourself every day. Shower yourself twice a day because you never know what will happen next and when the next time you can shower is. We take a lot of things for granted; I take a lot of things for granted. I don’t notice how I’m grateful to be able to have running water every day and be able to use it for drinking, entertainment, showering, and pleasure. I used to take walking for granted, but for those 3 days (and the 5 months of recovery after that) I learned how precious walking is. The use of our body is something we shouldn’t take for granted, because there are many people who wish they could have what we have.

P.S. My scar is wicked cool. I know not many brag about scars, but sometimes its best to look at it and remember. I was disappointed when my leg came out of the cast because I swear my leg looked like a dead person’s leg. Like Frankenstein’s leg all stapled and put back together. It was a sight to vomit for. And then the Orthopedic removed my staples and I almost fainted because it was just nasty. (This was actually a couple of years ago, just reminiscing on the past because of Grey’s Anatomy).

Monday, September 17, 2007

Mon, 17 Sep 2007 08:28:05 GMT

I’ve sat in front of this darn laptop for days hoping to update my blog, but every time I write of an issue, or some “new rule Yoly found” I either don’t finish it or just erase it completely and quit. I finally found a reason to sit down and write. This may be only a response to a certain someone, but there are ALWAYS two sides of the freaking story.

You can “investigate” all you like, I’m not hiding anywhere. I am willing to even give you my address if that makes you feel more secure. I will NOT deny that I do look/visit your page; it is public, as you mentioned, so being as it is OUT THERE, I’m not going to get penalized. If it really bothered you, you know where to send me a message, I am not the devil, nor do I bite. You know as much about me as I know about you just shows that you too have been keeping an update on my blog.

I didn’t start reading your blog when the whole “game relationship” started (I’m sure you know what I’m talking about, I’m trying to keep it to the minimum for “our” protection); I actually started reading yours for a while now, and I’m pretty sure you know that SINCE you can check your bandwidth’s logs. I really didn’t know you read mine also UNTIL you responded to one of my messages NOT directed to you (but to the public in general).

I will tell you the FULL truth since you didn’t even bother coming to me first or even asking me straight on. The reason why I checked on your blog was out of pure curiosity. I was in no way trying to categorize or analyze you. Then when the “game relationship” started coming strong, I had the right to know what was going on since I wasn’t getting any answers. The best way to accomplish that is by not asking around, but sort of spying around. Spying sounds too extreme, since your blog/art/posts were out in the open for EVERYONE to see, so I just had to read it and be set. I’ve checked your site for a while that it became a habit … like everyone has certain sites to visit at least once per day, and yours made it on my list.

Truthfully, I noticed how your blogs changed from emotions, to life stuff, to boring things that no one knows what you’re talking about (Lawls to that). And if I really was the cause, I’m sorry, because a blog shouldn’t be forced to be limited by an outside source. By all means, do not stop because of me. I shouldn’t matter to you anyways; I am just a name behind your screen.

You ask me if I “hate” you. I will say it plain and simple: no. Hate is a very powerful word, goes hand in hand with love. We sometimes think we hate someone, but yet its just strong feelings of compassion or mix feelings of envy. Just like love; we say we love someone but it can be act of lust. I will be honest and say I had really strong feelings of dislike while we were not in good terms few months ago. You said you spoke with my friend and he mentioned that I hated you, but weird part is you took someone else’s word in place of mine. I don’t recall saying I “hated” you, I might of have said “disliked” you. And let’s not forget when he said it? It was during that same time period we were not talking (if who the person you’re talking about is the same as mine).

The biggest problem I have with you is that you don’t confront anyone… or at least you don’t confront me. I always want to confront you, but won’t even try after you deleted my birthday wishes to you on Imps… that’s like an internet slap in the face. But its ok, I’ve taken worse.

When it was me on his account talking to you, my heart was pounding against my ribcage from the fear and the guilt I had. All I wanted was the world to stop on how stupid I made myself sound. I had to yell at you that way only so you can make believe it was him so I can get some truth out from you. It was not done out of ill intentions, but a girl getting some answers the hard way. If it makes you feel better, I also made believe I was him to a few other girls. Not only did I make myself sound dumb, but I broke one of my own morals: to not use profanity (hell is not a curse word in my book).

I am probably the worst girl you will ever meet in your eyes, and I might be a nice/friendly/good girl to others, but you fail to realize that there are two sides of everyone. I am not saying I’m fickle, two faced or carry around a façade, but I defend myself as much as possible. Being defensive, even if it’s the hard way, does not mean that I do not have morals; I am actually very nice and friendly to friends. I do not go around messing people’s life, calling them names or talking bad about them behind their back. Why not do another “investigation” to get to know the real Yoly and not judge the way I came unto you.

If it’s the game items that worried you, I TOLD/ASKED him a few times before he left to contact you to give it to you. He always said “you can do it” or “if she wants it, she’ll ask for it”. If it’s the guild you are worried about, I joined because my old one became a nuisance, and since I’m not “power hungry” and your old guild was recruiting, I decided to join. Don’t worry though, they weren’t that big of a family as they were to you, so I’m out if it’s that important.

If you have more things to say to me, I don’t mind continuing this blog war… or you can hit me up with a message. I have far more stress in real life then to worry about how you see me. If anything, I am not that malice girl your tone of voice is trying to portray. Face it, we will be stuck knowing what the other is thinking for a long time to come thanks to the games we played in. But it’s your choice on how you will end it. You can forever forget me, never read this message or just not respond, or just ignore the fact that we’re both curious to a point. I’m not going to ask you to distant yourself online from the things you love NOR be happy that your fowl thinking of me drove you to do it anyway.

Again, for those who are just randomly reading it, get off plox. This is dedicated to just someone and they know who they are. The fact that its 5+am should tell you how upset I was to read something about me like that… I’m just tired of a lot of things.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Thu, 23 Aug 2007 16:07:58 GMT

So, this is a bit late. I actually wrote it the day I came back from vacation, but I’m just lazy like that. Plus, we still don’t have our own internet and I’ve been stealing neighbor’s wireless signal and let me add its super low… and slow.

On Tuesday through Thursday all we did was extreme packing and cleaning. I just really hate it when mom just screams at us without even thinking it through first nor knowing what we did. She just screams to make us look like dirt and make herself look like she did this and that and said this and that. Makes me just run away from home. I just can’t wait to move out… I don’t even care how or with whom.

So on Friday we woke up early to pack the car and go to our weekend vacation. We spent 6 freaking hours in the car, because mom and her guy friend decided to take the “long way” JUST to visit a restaurant. We got lost along the way also, that we took so many turns and ended up going in circles also. We arrived at Miami South Beach around 9-10pm and I was just so tired and sore that I didn’t want to do anything. The night life there is extreme! Everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, is either a club or a restaurant WITH a mini bar/club. I have to wait a year until I can go inside any of them, but not like I wanted to in the first place. And my Gawd, all the freaking stores are expensive! I saw this skirt that I liked worth $148.00 … I was like what the hell?! And everyone had expensive cars. I wouldn’t live there, not because of the financially issue, but because it was FREAKING humidly hot. I mean, I LOVE the hot weather, but this one went over the limit. We didn’t do anything special or anything exciting. We were going to take this boat ride around the Miami but mom decided to waste 4 hours talking to this business person about Time Share… and we missed our boat chance. We just went to the beach on Saturday and had fun with the huge waves. I was going to get my nose pierced, but the few tattoo parlors were charging $55-65 for a nose piercing and no way… I’m not wasting that much money when I can get it for $35 here near home. On Sunday we watched Rush Hour 3 and just looked around some other stores. We might do something else in a few weeks or months. I was thinking a cruise, but they want to go to Texas or California. But we’ll see.

Gawd, I hate it when people say they can handle the truth, and that they want to hear the truth, and knowing me, I can never be upfront with people… and I feel bad that they push it to know the truth… but what bothers me the most is when you tell them the truth and it hurts them that they change or they don’t talk to you. Just pisses me off because I didn’t want to hurt them to begin with, but they wanted to know the truth, and it ended up the worse.

You know what bugs me? Fake “happy” people. I’ve seen real happy people who look at life at the positive way and NEVER get mad or upset or sad… and then I’ve seen people who “think” they are all “happy happy” but yet never are happy. Those kinds of people are usually “emotional” and I’d say confused, but then I guess I’m going over. I probably don’t make any sense, but not like many people read this anymore. Lawls, plus I’m hungry x.x